![]() I get several texts a week-mostly old jokes, random songs, or comments about my old social media posts-at any given moment (including during work hours and late at night), addressing me as if we are still hyper 19-year-olds. I hope you have a great deal of support as you help bring up your nieces-I’m so glad they have you to look after them. If the best you can do for now is to decline to have a 30 th version of the same conversation, to simply say, “I think we’ve both gotten as far on this subject as we’re going to get for now let’s focus on figuring out how to make this as easy as possible for Claire,” that may just have to be good enough. But I don’t think repeating yourself now, after what sounds like a number of clear conversations, is going to make that difference. It’s possible that with time he may come around and can look on the end of your marriage with a greater degree of open-mindedness and respect for your conflicting interests if only for your own daughter’s well-being, I hope that he does. You’ve explained your position more than once, and whether out of stubbornness, resentment, or simple misguidedness, he’s sticking to his position. I don’t know if you’ll ever get it, unfortunately, and I don’t think there’s much you can do to convince Jake beyond what you’ve already tried. You deserve to be far away from him, and safe, and surrounded by people who love and respect you.Ī: It’s perfectly fair to want something-as it happens, I think the particular thing you want, which is for your soon-to-be-ex-husband to stop characterizing your decision to take in your nieces as a decision to choose “a junkie” (!) over him, is fair on its own merits. Your husband wants to terrify you, and he does whenever he feels like it. It’s not that you haven’t been clear enough, or that he just thinks he’s being harmlessly funny. Since you never know when the next shoe is about to drop, you’re constantly filled with dread wondering when he’s going to switch from your “amazing” husband to someone who delights in hurting you. It’s not just 15 percent of the time, either. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you’ve had to endure this kind of uncertainty, terror, anxiety, and unsafety from your own husband over the years. He understands exactly the effect his outbursts have on you, and that’s why he does it. He’s seen you in tears, begging him to stop pretending to have killed your cat or screaming at you for an invented accident, and he’s laughed at those tears. I was confused, not malicious, and I’ll stop.” But David understands perfectly well. It’s easier to say, “He just doesn’t understand,” because that provides you with hope that someday, somehow, you’ll be able to explain yourself thoroughly enough that he’ll say, “I get it now. But he’s the same person, with the same information, all of the time. Since he doesn’t do this 24 hours a day and seven days a week, it may be difficult to square this side of him with the “amazing” person you see the rest of the time. ![]() He’s your husband, and you love him, and you want to believe he generally acts with your best interests in mind. It is tempting to believe he’s doing this because he just doesn’t get how unhappy it makes you. You’ve made yourself consistently and repeatedly clear on the subject, and he understands perfectly well that this makes you miserable and uncomfortable. What’s worse, he’s escalated after you’ve “begged” him to stop. Your husband regularly terrorizes you despite knowing how much you hate it. ![]() ![]() It’s not loving, it’s not normal, it’s not safe, and it’s not OK. This isn’t part of “the cost of being in a relationship” like learning to compromise with someone else’s personality quirks or different approach to housework, nor is it the sort of rough spot that any otherwise-healthy relationship might hit after eight years together. Talk to the people in your life about what’s been going on and let them support you.
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